David J. Farley of Plympton, Plymouth, United Kingdom

David J. Farley of Plympton, Plymouth, United Kingdom

Friday, September 06, 2013

Calling The Vet !


Calling the Vet –
too funny not to
share..
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and on heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while they were on holiday.
 
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
 
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds.  Rushing downstairs she found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as can happen when dogs mate.
 
Unable to separate them, and not knowing what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
 
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."
 
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me !" he replied 

Friday, August 09, 2013

Police Fitness tests: Concerns over costs and fairness



The fitness testing regime proposed under Winsor’s review of Police pay and conditions will prove disproportionately costly – and will hit older officers and women, it has been claimed.
Addressing the Police Federation’s Sergeants’ Central Conference Jayne Monkhouse – who advises the staff association on equality issues – suggested that annual testing with sanctions for failure could lay forces open to discrimination claims.
The test is set initially to take the form of a 15-minute shuttle run – but is proposed to be replaced by a more demanding regime based on that used by the Police Service of Northern Ireland.
Officers in the province are put through a battery of tests to ensure they are able to fulfil tasks such as climbing in and out of armoured vehicles and move casualties to safety.
While pay reviewer Tom Winsor had recommended that this scheme should be set up in England and Wales in 2018, plans to introduce it are currently on ice.
But speaking during a discussion on the future implications for the sergeant rank, Ms Monkhouse warned that older officers – and older women in particular – could find themselves at a disadvantage, and suffering financially as a result of annual fitness testing.
She highlighted that those failing the shuttle run, or who could not take the test, for any reason could be hit with a wage cut.
As well as being concerned about the costs of the regime outweighing the benefits, Ms Monkhouse was concerned that the measures would be used as a means of ejecting officers from the police service “before they become old and disabled”.
She argued that not all policing roles called for the same degree of physical fitness, pointing out that pay reviewer Tom Winsor had not stated why he felt annual testing was necessary,
Ms Monkhouse told conference delegates: “The tests will have a disproportionate effect on older people and women – and particularly older women officers.
“The Winsor recommendations are designed to make the (Police Service) act more like the Army – and sergeants will be at the forefront of ensuring this happens.”
However, during a subsequent debate Sir Hugh Orde, President of the Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) said that officers needed to maintain physical fitness.
But Sir Hugh emphasised that chief constables also had a moral obligation to their personnel, particularly those who found themselves injured and on restricted duties.
College of Policing Chief Executive Alex Marshall, who introduced annual fitness tests for his officers while he was Hampshire Constabulary chief some years ago, highlighted that very few people had failed and that the move was ultimately welcomed.

But he said that the College had to examine the implementation of a national scheme.

 Article courtesy of www.policeoracle.com 

I would point out that my former Force of Devon & Cornwall has always placed a great deal of emphasis on personal fitness, albeit not by compulsion. The Force Training College employed a full time highly qualified physical education instructor from as far back as the early 1980's. We also had a full time force Medical Officer in our Occupational Health Department. Together they would formulate personal fitness plans for officers and civilian support staff for whom it was considered necessary.  

Those presenting themselves at promotion interview boards were expected to demonstrate a superior level of personal fitness. Continuation training courses also included opportunities for exercise in the College swimming pool,  sports hall and sports field. It appeared to have many benefits both for the individual and the Force. 

The compulsion element recommended by the Winsor Report could have a detrimental effect; as I believe the important motivation for officers to undertake a personal fitness training regime is best served when they themselves perceive it is in their own best interests to maintain a high level of physical fitness and healthy lifestyle choices, to best serve their career. Especially for the majority of officers serving operationally on the thin blue front line. 

 Incidentally, I still attend a gym on a regular basis as a septuagenarian and certainly appreciate its benefits only too well if I have cause for any reason to miss it for a week or two ! 

Monday, August 05, 2013

Don't Mess with the Best because the Best Don't Mess!


The Scales of
Justice
 If  you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have  been as sharp as this British policeman. He was being cross-examined  by a defence solicitor during an indictable offence  trial. The lawyer was  trying to undermine the police officer's credibility  ..... 

Q:  'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A:  'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several   blocks  away.'
Q:  'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A:  'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q:  'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called  offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A:  'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q:  'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you  have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for  your daily duties?'
A:  'Yes sir, we do!'
Q:  'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A:  'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
Q:  'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes,  sir.'
Q:  'Now, ... Why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow  officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your  locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A:  'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court  complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known   to walk  through that room.'
 
The courtroom EXPLODED with  laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the  stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback'  line -- and I think he'll  win.
     

HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people allegedly said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Monday, July 22, 2013

Congratulations to HRH Catherine & HRH Prince William on the birth of their son



The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a son.

Kate gave birth to their baby boy at 4.24pm today at the Lindo Wing of St Mary's Hospital in Paddington.

The news was announced by Kensington Palace in a statement which read:

"Her Royal Highness The Duchess of Cambridge was safely delivered of a son at 4.24pm.

"The baby weighs 8lbs 6oz.

"The Duke of Cambridge was present for the birth.

"The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall, Prince Harry and members of both families have been informed and are delighted with the news.

Her Royal Highness and her child are both doing well and will remain in hospital overnight."

Ed Perkins, Press Secretary to Prince William, emerged from the Lindo wing a few minutes later with a wry smile on his face and a document in hand.

He passed it through the window of a blue Jaguar car.

That notice giving details about the baby - the third-in-line to the throne after Prince Charles and Prince William - left was taken by car to Buckingham Palace.

It has been signed by the Queen's former gynaecologist Marcus Setchell, who led the medical team that delivered Kate's baby.

The notice was placed on a gold-covered easel in the palace's forecourt, a traditional element of theatre last used 31 years ago for the announcement of William's birth on June 21, 1982.



Thursday, June 06, 2013

Police detain phone smuggling cat




A criminal cat has been detained by police after it was caught attempting to smuggle mobile phones and chargers into a Russian prison.

With a cat’s natural athleticism and the agility needed to scale prison walls, picking an easily tuned feline seemed like an inspired choice to carry out the illegal operation.

The plot was foiled however, when prison officials spotted the items taped onto the black and white cat’s belly as it sat perched on top of a fence.

The prison service said the animal was detained on Friday at the prison near the city of Syktyvkar in the Komi province, around 600 miles north-east of Moscow.

‘They have foiled various attempts to smuggle banned objects into Prison Colony Number One before,’ said a spokesman for the regional prison service.

‘But in the case of the cat, the prison colony is at a loss: nothing like this has happened in the prison’s history.’

Despite being caught in the act, it’s likely this particular feline will avoid a lengthy spell behind bars!

Online Comments so far:-

I have heard of cat burglargies, but of cat's smugglings that a new one on me. I wonder who trained the cat to carry out this chore and how it knew to climb up that particular prison wall?

Still it all turned to be a CATastrophy. Paws for thought, just a whisker away from getting away with it!

Article Courtesy of Metro and www.policeoracle.com